Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Shakespeare making a mixtape: Tupac or not Tupac
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Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
*emerges from a large magic lamp,* it’s me the Reasonable genie, please only wish for things like ‘drive me to the airport’
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.