Shakespeare making a mixtape: Tupac or not Tupac

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When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.


[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…


“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything


Mesut Ozil was quoted as saying “I want to help Arsenal win trophies.” So when does the rest of the Real Madrid squad arrive with you?


Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.


I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”


12: Dad, if Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of god, didn’t Mary have a little lamb?

Me: And you came with a no return policy