Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
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I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering