@KissabiX

Shakespeare making a mixtape: Tupac or not Tupac

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@Bownuggets

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

@EricaWhoToYou

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

@RachelMComedy

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

@WetMascara

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

@squirrel74wkgn

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

@hippieswordfish

*emerges from a large magic lamp,* it’s me the Reasonable genie, please only wish for things like ‘drive me to the airport’

@Tmoney68

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

@thatcarlygirl

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

@Donna_McCoy

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.