@KissabiX

Shakespeare making a mixtape: Tupac or not Tupac

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@stockejock

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

@3sunzzz

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

@KevinFarzad

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

@sickipediabot

Mesut Ozil was quoted as saying “I want to help Arsenal win trophies.” So when does the rest of the Real Madrid squad arrive with you?

@Jesssicle

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

@imabbylouise

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

@astutenewf

12: Dad, if Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of god, didn’t Mary have a little lamb?

Me: And you came with a no return policy