@Rollinintheseat

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

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@ermahgarton

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

@ThisLocalHater

It’s not a crime of arson so much as it’s a crime of passion but okay, judgy fire investigator guy

@bytaylorcox

A “lady” and a “woman” are exactly the same thing unless they are prefaced with cat.

@KoKeniSasquatch

I like dogs, but it’s like having a permanent baby.

A cat is like having a permanent teenager.

@notviking

me: i’m looking to sell this gun, can you do $400

pawn shop owner: i can do $250

me: [cocking gun] how about now

pawn shop owner: well now that i see that it works yeah i could do $400

@bees_wingz

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

@thepaulasuzanne

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

@causticbob

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

@NotOnTheMoors

Which sadist decided to make the packaging around Band-Aids so difficult to open, considering you’re usually bleeding when you need one?