JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
“Your password is two weeks.”
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It’s not a crime of arson so much as it’s a crime of passion but okay, judgy fire investigator guy
A “lady” and a “woman” are exactly the same thing unless they are prefaced with cat.
I like dogs, but it’s like having a permanent baby.
A cat is like having a permanent teenager.
me: i’m looking to sell this gun, can you do $400
pawn shop owner: i can do $250
me: [cocking gun] how about now
pawn shop owner: well now that i see that it works yeah i could do $400
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Which sadist decided to make the packaging around Band-Aids so difficult to open, considering you’re usually bleeding when you need one?