SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
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love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
They got Raph!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.