SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.




SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

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boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*


My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”


Remembering the evil paraglider today. Wondering how he’s faring in all this.


*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!


My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.


“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*


In honor of Columbus Day I’m going to drive around until I get lost then make myself at home in the first clearly inhabited house I find


a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe


Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!


What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it