Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
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Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.