Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
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“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.