shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
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[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.