shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

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I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.


GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome


I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.


Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer


My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.


And the he told me he was kilt shopping.
So, apparently I’m married to Braveheart.


GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.


interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then