I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
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GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
And the he told me he was kilt shopping.
So, apparently I’m married to Braveheart.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
interviewer: how are you with excel?
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then