*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
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snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
the icebreaker
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you