Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
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Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.