Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
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[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
it must be school picture day
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin