That’s easy for you to say
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love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I drew y’all a little something.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate