Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
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If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Those are good neighbors.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT