shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
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*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach