@TucktheguyFly

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

@PinkCamoTO

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

@BigJDubz

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

@ericsshadow

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

@TheBosha

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

@Reverend_Scott

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.

@Ms612

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: Are you guys hiring?

911: This is an emergency line.

Me: No shit. Why do you think I’m calling?

@urmumsausername

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

@daemonic3

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support