Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
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*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Are you guys hiring?
911: This is an emergency line.
Me: No shit. Why do you think I’m calling?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”
STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
There should be more Christmas tunes about vengeance.