I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends.
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(Breaks car window to save a dog)
Guy: I’m in the car!
Me: Yeah but it’s hot
Him: The AC is on!
Me: Can I get in? It’s really hot out here.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Dad: I had a son once
Stranger: what happened to him?
D: he touched the thermostat
Kid: dad, I’m like right here
D: you hear something?
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
COP: Did the suspect have a birthmark?
MARK: He’s alive so I’m assuming he had a birth, yes.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.
-the local news