Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends.
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I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Me, taking applications for the Illuminati: oh, I never said I’d send the forms anywhere
When a dog’s stomach starts growling, it’s either hungry, or pregnant.
As I slowly remove her panties I think to myself
God these don’t fit me very well
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone