@Grind_n_Roll

Shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends.

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@oye_gujju

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

@L8yK8y

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

@MarfSalvador

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

@TheSadnesses

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

@iamjohnsarris

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

@BintyMustard

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

@ShellHasDragons

Me, taking applications for the Illuminati: oh, I never said I’d send the forms anywhere

@JonasPolsky

When a dog’s stomach starts growling, it’s either hungry, or pregnant.

@bighandsmassuer

As I slowly remove her panties I think to myself

God these don’t fit me very well

@petemandik

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone