@Grind_n_Roll

Shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends.

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@Chumpstring

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

@sixfootcandy

(Breaks car window to save a dog)
Guy: I’m in the car!
Me: Yeah but it’s hot
Him: The AC is on!
Me: Can I get in? It’s really hot out here.

@ThisOneSayz

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

@DaddyJew

Dad: I had a son once

Stranger: what happened to him?

D: he touched the thermostat

Kid: dad, I’m like right here

D: you hear something?

@WheelTod

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

@Andee_Stewart

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

@EmaSlema

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

@philyuck

COP: Did the suspect have a birthmark?

MARK: He’s alive so I’m assuming he had a birth, yes.

@RachelNoise

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

@Unlucky_Ninja

Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.

-the local news