*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
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Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?