Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

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Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice


All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now


Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.


“How do we spell this pasta?”
“Got it”
“Diggin it”
“What the hell”
“I have some questions”


i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles


Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no


Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.


[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift


Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.