@Iwriteforcats

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

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@fro_vo

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

@Invisichad

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

@duplicitron

Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.

@Home_Halfway

“How do we spell this pasta?”
L
“Ok”
A
“Got it”
S
“Neat”
A
“Diggin it”
G
“What the hell”
N
“Wait”
A
“I have some questions”

@ch000ch

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

@English_Channel

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

@Maxine12333

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

@rebrafsim

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

@Jandalize

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.