Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
You Might Also Like
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*