Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
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So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!