Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
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Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My patience has stretch marks.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub