Europe. Made in Germany.
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Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
what does he know…
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.