[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
You Might Also Like
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning