This could be us but you eatin’
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You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
A small tragedy.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.