@WittySassBasket

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

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@xowenm

apple music: here’s a song for you

spotify: i’ve made 75 unique playlists based on your DNA & set to the beat you breathe in. I also wrote you a personalized love song about all the things i like about you please don’t leave me what would the kids & i do without you PLEASE STAY

@Phook75

So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response

@SortaBad

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

@yerpalmildsauce

I may not be the coolest guy in town but I am the coolest guy in my apar–

*cockroach wearing tiny leather jacket scuttles by*

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

@chuuew

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

@Bob_Janke

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

@JessG828

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

@Lisa_Laughs_

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.