Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
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A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally