[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
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[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
My Sentiments Exactly
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
*jazz hands*
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it