SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
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WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
two people or more is called a problem
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Thursday Thought.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs