[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
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Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Not helping
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.