Welcome to twitter- Please stand by, someone will disagree with you shortly.
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
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Cat: Lame. Just lame.
Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know.
Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
My moods don’t just swing – they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.