[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
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There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Best spoiler warning ever
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.