[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
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You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Seek kebab; not attention
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES