[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
You Might Also Like
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro