An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
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When I’m pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they’re mine
I say ‘no, they’re for my collection’ and run as fast as I can
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Nothing says ” My divorce didn’t go as planned ” quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*