@fro_vo

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

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@Jarhead44

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

@Smooheed

When I’m pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they’re mine

I say ‘no, they’re for my collection’ and run as fast as I can

@bonehugsnirony

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

@metickleu

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

@stockejock

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

@Baldylockzzz

Nothing says ” My divorce didn’t go as planned ” quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars

@DomesticGoddss

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

@Rollinintheseat

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run