[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
You Might Also Like
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.