landlords be like “do you have a stable job” bro do you???
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
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I pronounce CHampagne & CHandelier like CHimp so the lower class thinks I’m “approachable” & the upper class thinks I’m “eclectic”
My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I’m not even the best mom in my house anymore.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
couldn’t decide between consumed and ate so went with consummated, taking my donut love to a whole new level
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.