[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Shark week is actually the best time to go to the beach. All the sharks are busy being on tv
You Might Also Like
Having dinner with my phone and some people.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I need your parent’s phone number so I can call you & hang up when they answer.
Cause if I’m gonna crush on you, I’m doing it old school.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I carry two crickets around in a small box so when I say something that isn’t funny I can supply my own sound effects. They get real tired.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren’t out yet