Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@FredTaming

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

@ChemBtwnUs

Having dinner with my phone and some people.

@iamspacegirl

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

@TweetPotato314

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

@wickedsuga

I need your parent’s phone number so I can call you & hang up when they answer.

Cause if I’m gonna crush on you, I’m doing it old school.

@BoogTweets

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

@JCWisdomNuggets

I carry two crickets around in a small box so when I say something that isn’t funny I can supply my own sound effects. They get real tired.

@Fact

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

@NicestHippo

Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren’t out yet