Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
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interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
What?
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.