Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
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Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.