On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
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I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
twitter is a journey
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.