@ComedySpeech

Sharks aren’t the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in just a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.

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@BlindChow

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

@loudmouth_usa

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

@Thedudish

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

@robwhisman

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

@panmidwest

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

@TheMomAtLaw

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

@skickwriter

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

@dril

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

@AristotlesNZ

5yo: I dropped my damn spoon!
Me: Don’t be using that word!
5yo: Is it a bad word?
Me: It is..
5yo: Ok..I dropped my damn “food scooper”?

@therichards5

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!