@ComedySpeech: Sharks aren't the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in just a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
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@dksc4life: her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out! me: Not on my watch you aren’t! her: Oh, my hero! Thank you! me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
@UtilityLimb: the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you're about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
@primawesome: I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. "So, It's been making some odd sounds and I'm sure it's on the verge of a breakdown."