Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
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One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.