@OH_GAWD_OF_FUNK

Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

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@internetluke

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

@HughGoesThere

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

@SkinnerSteven

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

@SentenceReduced

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

@RocketRankoon

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

@flukyness

I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

@mstluvstrinkets

Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this “problem” not heard of pizza and alcohol?

@jtrulez

Oh LinkedIn, what juicy tidbits do you have for me today? *raises monocle* Stanley added a skill?! HAHA! That is most delightful! *sips tea*

@Faungirl123

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me