Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

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[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
How Can Birds Be R


[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.


Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond


Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.


Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you


I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life


Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.




Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this “problem” not heard of pizza and alcohol?


Oh LinkedIn, what juicy tidbits do you have for me today? *raises monocle* Stanley added a skill?! HAHA! That is most delightful! *sips tea*


I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me