Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
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This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Cinematography is my passion
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles