Sharon, call the vet
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If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
i love modern commerce
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat