*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
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ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”