@Laser_Cat

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

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@LizHackett

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

@ipalatsky

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

@LuvPug

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

@GrantTanaka

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

@mjkspeaks

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

@GFGander

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

@Zwolf666

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

@BoomBoomBetty

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

@Average_Dad1

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

@jergarl

Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, “LIAR!” into her ear after I watched her type “lol”.

She did NOT lol.