As I get closer to 30 I start to worry about more big picture things like famine and over population in my apartment
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
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Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Jesus Christ lmao
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
delete cookies? WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?! I LOVE COOKIES.