ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
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I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, “LIAR!” into her ear after I watched her type “lol”.
She did NOT lol.