@Laser_Cat

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

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@TheGladStork

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

@TheCatWhisprer

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

@SentenceReduced

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

@DanLaMorte

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

@marlespo

Twitter: Tell me I’m funny!
Instagram: Tell me I’m pretty!
Facebook: Tell me I have real friends!
Pinterest: Tell me how to knit a condom!

@KalvinMacleod

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

@ericacanrant

If you say I’m getting fat again Aunt Betty, I’ll make a “anything for 5 dollars” ad on Craigslist with your name and number.