*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
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Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
😅😅😅
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My birth announcement for our third baby
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”