[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog
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99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*
Me (checks clock): 5:08
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
*jumping on a trampoline*
What do you mean you want full custody?
Me: So you’re an Atheist?
Me: So what year is it?
Me: based on how years are counted after a certain birth?
WHAT ARE YOU EATING AND HOW CAN I HELP?
Me: Wanna go out?
Her: You’re not Black
Me: I’m Jewish. We’ve been persecuted more than them.
Me: That’s not why you like them?