“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
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It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.