shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog

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when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair


Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.


I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.


It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.


If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.


I hate when The Little Mermaid is all “who cares no big deal I want more!” Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax


Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.


Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?


They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.