What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog
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when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I hate when The Little Mermaid is all “who cares no big deal I want more!” Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Me: can I borrow $20?
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.