You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
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you stereotypes are all alike
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
It do be feeling this way.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings