“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
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*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal