Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
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The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
stand with me against insufficient seating
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.