Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
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Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town