[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
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Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.