[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
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Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
prepare for carbonated trouble
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies