[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
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As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.